Party of five

Party of five
Family of five

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Song just for me







I have no idea where I found this song, but it speaks to me in this moment of my life so well.  It's really getting real with realizing who my real friends are and aren't.

Song lyrics:  "Who's side am I on?"

Me: Radical Feminists?

Song lyrics: "No-Oh-oh"

Song lyrics: "Who's side am I?"

Me: Evangelicals who think a life partner is a distraction from God?

Song Lyrics: "No-oh-O"



I'm on my own side this time.  Just like in the song, I am looking for a breath of life, a little touch of divine light.  No matter how you spin it, love is divine. 

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Triggers?

If there’s one thing I remember about my first onset of Tourette’s syndrome at age 7, it was that it happened either the day of or the day after the infamous challenger explosion.

https://youtu.be/j4JOjcDFtBE

I even remember the guy saying, “obviously a major malfunction” and a kid in my class saying, “OBVIOUSLY!!!!!”  The teacher told him through tears, “shhhhhhh”.

I also remember having a lot of symptoms when baby Jessica McClure fell into the well about a year later. Tourette’s is neurological and inherited. Did my great uncles who suffered from it have triggers, too?

By the time 9/11 happened, I was an adult and did not suffer symptoms because I was working long hours at the child abuse shelter and my focus was on my job. I do remember feeling guilty, because in the days before 9/11, there were news vans camped outside for a high profile case and I was like, “Please make them go away.”

 Well 9/11 made them go away, but that wasn’t what I meant. There was guilt in wishing but no symptoms. Shortly after that, I moved to Houston.

Monday, December 11, 2017

The birds and the bees

I had the birds and bees conversation with Annalise.  I had to, since she’s gone through puberty already. The best part was that I finally got to tell her the story of how right after her dad and I “made her”, I laid down and had a premonition of this scene from The City of Angels with Nicholas Cage:

https://youtu.be/673ueAMymNs

The worst part was this: one of my mother’s favorite things to do is watch Maury Povich. He does paternity tests 99% of the time. A woman was on who had twins that tested as having two different fathers. Anna asked me how twins could have different fathers. I explained the difference between identical and fraternal. I then told her, “these twins were fraternal, and their mommy had....” (cringing like crazy) “Two boyfriends.”

Annalise said, “Oh.”
Then she paused, and for a few moments you could see the wheels spinning in her head until it clicked and she said, “ooooohhhhhh”.
Life e is interesting when you are 10 and a half and your grandmother likes to watch trash on tv.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Good, Bad, and Ugly

1.  My future daughter announced to me today that she is “choosing Joy”. She has asked, upon adoption, to have her middle name changed to Joy for two reasons- because her father told her that Annalise’s middle name is Joy because I always said any daughter I have will have that middle name. Also, she wants to share that bond with her new sister. I asked if she just wanted to add Joy to the middle name she already has. She said no, completely change it. Her first middle name came from her biological mother, and she had never gotten over her abandonment.

2. My fiancé paid cash for the house down the street from my ex, and paid off my parents’house. Holy crap!  After the initial shock, I was pretty much like this-

https://youtu.be/uo35R9zQsAI

3.  I’m finding out who my real friends are. Someone actually mailed me a picture of that Gloria Steinem quote, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

Other critics accuse me of “taking the kids away” from their biological mother when she abandoned them years ago, tried to sign away her rights to avoid paying child support, and responded to my lawyer the nanosecond she heard I wanted to adopt them. I’m not taking anything away from anyone.

4. My advocacy coordinator from child advocates was blowing up my phone yesterday with nit picky little things, and all of them seemed to insinuate that she didn’t like either placement that the boys were in. I answered all her questions succinctly. At the end of the day, I knew what she was up to. At least I thought so. I texted her a simple message- “I cannot in good conscience stand before a judge and recommend either of these kids be moved.”  Their caseworker agrees wholeheartedly with me, it just for some reason my coordinator was Jonesin for a reason to remove. Absolutely not. J1 is with the good elderly duck dynasty type people, and J2 is with the good Mormon people. They talk to each other, and they talk to their mom. If for any reason I am removed from the case because of my conscience, then I will let their caseworker know that when she is testifying that she can mention me and how I feel. That judge knows who I am. So does the lawyer. He’s the one doing my stepparent adoption.

5.  We have premarital counseling on the 12th. Happy Hanukkah!!! I insisted on a male, secular counselor. A female might be too feminist and a clergyman might think we aren’t godly enough. Premarital counseling sucks. At least it did in 2004. I hope this guy is more progressive.

6.  If I go car shopping, what on earth kind of car do I get?  I know 5 people fit in a traditional car, but these days you need something more spacey, especially if being looked at for adoption. Do I need something fancy like a bmw, or can I get a simple, but new, Toyota or Honda?  I like foreign cars much better. I don’t like expensive cars. Once, a very expensive convertible almost t boned me and I was like oh! Fake a broken neck! Fake a seizure!  Not really. Kind of but not really. I swerved on instinct.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Will I be like this?

I’ve always said, it’s a good thing that I don’t have a little brother or a son, or else I’d be just like Kathy Bates’ character in this scene:

https://youtu.be/xlWgF8dqneg

So now I will have a son. I hope not to be that way. I don’t want to be. I say that, just because women lie all the time about being on birth control just to trap a man. I know several!  If I was a man, I’d just decide when I was through having kids and get a vasectomy. Of course, before that conversation needs to come conversations about respecting women, monogamy, marriage, being financially competent, and trusting your wife. I feel like I know how to have these conversations with daughters, but not with a son. Good thing is, we have plenty of time before I become Kathy Bates.

Monday, December 4, 2017

It’s been crazy!

My fiancé and his son and daughter are here. They surprised me when I learned they were hanging out in an isolated west Texas town with homeschool curriculum on their way here. They liked this town, so they stayed a few days.

I got a ring, but almost feel like I can’t show it because it’s not a diamond. Neither of us wanted a diamond. Our rings are sterling silver and each has a matching half of the tree of life. I’m dreading “let’s see the riiiiing!”  It’s a material possession, not a marriage. The tree of life fits us way more than a diamond.

I have also been feeling like a bit of a polyandrist lately- going on dates with my fiancé, my ex husband, and my daughter Annalise. I’m kind of miffed, but it’s helping Annalise. I didn’t insist on this when he got married. Between me and his current wife, he dated a girl who was devout Buddhist. I’d use that as a threat to get my child home on time. “Have her home by x time, or else I’m calling your mother and telling her you’re Buddhist.”  Worked every time, especially when I threw in the idea of him with a shaved head and orange robes.

By the time he married Annalise’s stepmother, she was already in school and stepmother insisted on coming to parent stuff. The first time she did, I told him, “if she comes again, I’m going to tell them we are polygamists.”  She hasn’t shown up since.


On top of that, my daughter had to start puberty!!!! She’s only 10 and a half. I was a month short of 13, but my mom said a few of her sisters were 10. I also think that it’s all the hormones they are injecting into dairy cows now that make girls get it earlier. I gave her a moonstone necklace that I’d been saving up for this moment, but she was more excited about the panty liners.


Thursday, November 30, 2017

Monday, November 27, 2017

Overwhelmed!!!

I thought to myself, how on earth is it not even December yet and I’m already sick of the holidays?  Then Whitney Houston’s “Do You Hear What I Hear?” Came on the radio and calmed me down. She sang it so beautifully. It didn’t last long, though. I saw this article and said, that’s it Santa isn’t coming this year and this is why:

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2017/11/27/more-than-100-reindeer-dead-in-norway-after-getting-hit-by-freight-train.html


I was glad to hear about prince Harry’s engagement to a woman who is :
1. Divorced
2.  Biracial
3.  American
4.  Not royalty.

Haha. Me and mine will never get as many haters as those two.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Testing

I have a new iPhone 7! Uber eats drivers got a sweet deal if they switched to sprint. On my old phone, I could not post pics onto my blog. However, on this new phone, looks like I can!  This picture is similar to what will be on my head when I marry my best friend. 

David Cassidy’s last words.

https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/893367001



Article link above^

I always thought David Cassidy was really a good looking guy, even sporting that 70’s mullet. My mom admits she had a mini celeb crush on him, too. Even as an old man, he was good looking before he became ill.

His daughter tweeted what his last words were: “So much wasted time.”

That is so sobering. I don’t think he wasted a lot of time- I think with his music and talent he brought a lot of people a lot of joy.

Please don’t let those be your last words. And thank you, Katie Cassidy for sharing so that we can put things into perspective.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

I'm terrible



I found this pic online.  I have no idea where.  So I sent it to my ex husband and said, "Good thing I was wearing socks."

Then Annalise came home and said her dad and stepmom were fighting.  I said, "About what?"  She said, "I'm not sure.  But they mentioned you wearing socks."

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Medical

Today I saw my neurologist. I needed her to compile a statement based on my medical records stating that I’m a fit parent. My lawyer doesn’t need to see all of my medical records- he just needs official statements from the docs. I was a little worried about this. A long time ago, I told my neurologist that going 24 years without a diagnosis (from first onset at age 7 to official diagnosis at age 31) was actually a blessing in disguise. It made me have amazing self control. Others with my conditions who have accommodations made for them don’t have that reason to work hard. If I tell anyone (which really is not often) that I have Tourette’s, they either think I’m lying or they tell me they can not tell. To me, that’s a good thing. I’d rather be called a liar!!!

Besides, thinking back to when I was a kid- my mom in an ARD meeting?!?!?!  Omg, that would have turned Jerry Springer real fast.

 But I don’t want them to think that because I feel this way about my own childhood illness, that I will ignore my stepdaughter’s needs. I told my neurologist to please keep that opinion of mine out of her statement to be filed with the court, but she didn’t remember saying it. I said yeah and reminded her how she cracked up laughing when I said my mom in an ARD meeting would have turned Jerry Springer. Then she remembered and said that she would redact it.

Then I told her I needed a higher dose, even though I don’t, just so I could get another prescription. Healthcare is going to hell in a hamdbasket. We need to stock up.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Bad news first, then some silver lining

I asked my cousin/ best friend for life to be my maid of honor, and she turned me down for ethical reasons.  She doesn't approve that I'll be marrying a man who was married before with two children.  This is despite the fact that I was married before and have a daughter from my previous marriage.  She thinks having three kids as opposed to only one will "strap" me more and I won't be as career successful.  I can't tell you what a stab in the heart it is to ask your best friend for life to be your maid of honor and have her tell you no like that.  In fact, when I broke it to her in 2009 that I was going through a divorce, she encouraged me with these exact words:  "Danielle, you've been reinventing yourself for as long as I've known you."

My sadness turned to anger and in that anger I put an inappropriate post on facebook, which I later deleted.  It said, "That moment when your best friend for life won't be your maid of honor due to stupid feminist principles."

Before I deleted it, one of my younger cousins saw it.  She texted me and said she'd never been a bridesmaid and would be happy to be my maid of honor if I'd let her.  I immediately called her and said of course!  When I was 3 years old, I was the flower girl for her parents' wedding.  My only memory of that day is stopping in the middle of the aisle and looking behind me at her mother's beautiful white dress as she walked down the aisle.  Then I remember my aunt Diane half coming out of her pew and coaxing me to keep going and keep throwing flowers.

My younger cousin seems to want to go all out, though, like I'm having a big fat Greek wedding!  I'm not, really.  Usually in huge Greek weddings like that, the maid of honor will buy the bride and groom some kind of figurine and have a bridal shower.  She's already mentioned the shower- to be in Chicago!  She lives in Chicago, and we have a lot of family there that will not make it to the wedding.  I never in a million years thought I'd have a shower.  She was super excited and said that she knows a good restaurant with a party room to have it at.  I was like- uh.  I really don't need all of that.  Have it at the house?  I don't know.  Ugh.

This is another obstacle we are facing- finding a place to live.  My boyfriend wants to live very close to my ex husband to keep him happy.  He knows it's a constant fear of mine that I'll just do one thing to make him mad enough at me to never let me see Annalise again, even though I'm the custodial parent.  The rational side of me knows better, though. My ex husband never really forgave his mother for keeping him from his real dad and lying to him that his real dad wanted nothing to do with him.  (He definitely did).  My ex has even said to me, "I'd never do that to you, let alone to HER!"

But he thinks the schools in that suburb are so awesome.  I don't.  I like the schools in Houston, because there is way more school choice.  His suburb has no magnet schools at all. Annalise has always said that she wants to be a doctor, and I've always wanted to send her to a magnet high school in inner city Houston for kids who want to be doctors.  My stepdaughter has some special needs, and that suburb is not as great as Houston for IEP's and ARD's.

The good news is that my boyfriend emailed me a link to a house for sale only about 2,000 feet away from my ex husband's house.  Even though I don't like the suburb, I really like this house.  It has 4 bedrooms and this porch thing/area that could easily be turned into another huge room.  The back yard it average, but I could make a garden work in it.  The owners seem to be financially desperate and willing to slide a lot on the price.

But here's the thing- my ex husband said, "That's the bad side of the subdivision".  OMG are you kidding me?  Subdivisions have good sides and bad sides now?  What?  Why?  Wow! The GPS from this house to his says 0.4 miles, and you're going to tell me it's "bad"?  I was so angry again.  I'm so thankful for my "as needed" prescription for valium, because it's coming in handy!!  I just told him, "Fine.  We'll move into Houston like I want to.  It's better for jobs, and it's better for schools."  He argued that he doesn't want to drive into Houston to fetch Annalise.

Besides, here's another problem- there are very, very, VERY few places to live that are available due to the hurricane.  Everyone whose house became unlivable moved into an apartment, and there are no apartments.  If we get a house that had damage, that will look bad for the adoption.  That's why I say all the time that when I drive around town now for work, it seems like there are 10 times more homeless than there were before.

We'd be crammed into my parents' house, but it would work, only that would look bad for the adoption too.
The house I like on the wrong side of the subdivision will be gone soon, I'm sure of it, and something just has to come up miraculously at the right time.  

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Wish I could blog all of this

It’s all happening so fast. I mostly have gotten support, but
I have also been called dependent, co-dependent, “wanting to save the world” (for wanting to adopt
2 stepkids), not trusting God, “going to be tied down”, and I can’t think what else.

Surprisingly, my lawyer heard back from my boyfriend’s ex wife immediately, and I went
To the office to do a conference call with her. I held my phone under the table
And recorded it, but it can’t be posted due to privacy reasons. She got notarized  signatures to my lawyer ASAP.

Because of some of the negativity, I’m staying off of social media and wish I had an outlet. This is a long process that will have bumps in the road but in the end will be worth it.

When do I get to say yes to the dress?  Will I be able to post it?