Saturday, December 31, 2016

Motivational video

I did something today I knew I had to do. I unfollowed the social media pages "Janet's voice for children " and "United we stand against child abuse."  They were just too gory. Of course, all that gore was my life for so long. It had to be done.

This is a great motivational video:

We have not rung in the New Year yet, but I watched them earlier today ring in in from Australia, and it was magnificent. You can watch it here:

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Celebrity deaths

Normally, celebrity deaths don't get me emotional. George Michael's death on Christmas Day was enough to be like, oh crap that sucks and then go to YouTube and look up the duo he did with Elton John in the 80's. That was called "Don't let the Sun GoDown on Me." I loved it when I was a kid!  I played it a few times and that was it for my remembering of George Michael.
But the whole thing with Princess Laia dying and then her mother, also a renowned actress dying A DAY LATER was enough for me to need to turn off the news. Sorry, but I don't remember Princess Laia's real name. To me, she's forever Princess Laia. I didn't know who her mom was, but my parents did.
Princess Laia was 60 and her mom, 84.
Just a rude awakening, a harsh reminder that our kids truly must be our reason for going on. I know my daughter plays a huge role in my ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me wonder how miserable life would be without kids. I can see it in trying to help my cousin Mercedes figure her life out, too. She doesn't have kids, and it's hard to explain just how much that contributes to being hopeless. How on earth do people who loose a child do it?

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Godsend link

If you read that link, you'd understand me. I finally started to understand me when I read it. Here's a few things that have happened recently that forced me to face this from the rocky bottom:

One of my friends posted a pic of her four nephews crashed out on the bed sleeping on it in the wrong direction and there's things on the floor in the back. She posted it like aww how cute but it struck a panic attack like oh crap,  I'd never post something like that. Someone would see imperfections and take my kid. I need some kind of help with how bad it's becoming.  I mean it is cute. Kids do awkward stuff like that all the time, and it's also funny. But social workers don't see it that way.

A part of Annalise's bedframe  was broken and I asked her dad to fix it. He did, but I was so adamant about not telling anyone and to keep it on the Down Low that her bed was like that etc. it was like we were doing a drug deal. He didn't get it, and I told him some pick the wrong battle CPS stories.

60 days of dumb choices

Do people still make resolutions for New Years, or have we as a society just resorted to making fun of them? I do have to say, that November and December were the two months of bad choices for me. Between my choices in the opposite sex (clearing throat) to ditching my car at a post office and junking it for $71 only to drain the bank to get a new one without test driving it and not realizing I had to transfer the title and what that would entail. (The night I ditched the corolla, I also got lost downtown at night because I was trying to take a bus I haven't taken in over a year and I seemed to be surrounded by crackheads.) About Thanksgiving time, I ran out of my meds except for the one I take for Tourette's and didn't bother to go back for more. According to the internet, this could have been a death sentence, but here I am. It's been long enough that I no longer have to "taper" (whatever that means). It's also been long enough to teach me my lesson that benzodiazepines are just not something I need or want in my life. In the long run, they hurt more than they help. I don't need medical help, because it's been so long, but a support group would be nice.
On Christmas Day, I talked this over with my cousin the shrink who started preaching to me again about therapy. I was like no. I hate therapy!  I told her it's a black hole. You never get better, you just keep having to go back and back and back to them. She said that's absolutely not true. I asked her how long, again, refresh my memory, has she been in therapy? I didn't need my memory refreshed. I know she's been in almost 20 years. I was just making my point. But it hit a nerve with her, enough to call me a "brat" and then back it up with a very psychiatric rescue statement that being a brat was a common defense mechanism for me. Nice!  She rescued herself with something similar when talking about a mutual cousin being a whore. We are speaking again and I realized that she had just stormed out on her mother at Christmas dinner for being impossible. When I told my mom she stormed out on her, my mom said, "her mom? Impossible? No way!"  My mom still has humor.
Then there was loosing the cat, finding the cat again and my massive fear over irrational thoughts that the vet would turn me in for animal neglect/the temptation just to turn her in somewhere as a stray and live a lie to my own child. After our emergency vet appointment on Christmas Eve, when I was calmed by literally the nicest veterinarian in the world, I started having vivid flashbacks of working as a cps caseworker and all of the wrong-battle-picking that involved. That's a whole nother  blog post. I talked to my ex husband about some of it. He thought I would be going back since the governor ordered them to hire 5,000 more caseworkers and we really can't see 5,000 people wanting that job. I didn't tell him he was crazy. I just said, "if I did that, I'd need to get back in to therapy."  Which, see above, is not going to happen either.
What a whirlwind it has been. Luckily, last night started a string of good luck, and I hope it stays that way.
I'm also speaking again to my cousin Mercedes, who lost her younger brother in August. She's in a very dark place. She asked me how to get into what I used to do, which is working with the elderly in their homes. I didn't want to start another fight with her, but I had to be blunt. "First, you need to get clean, because those companies all drug test you."  She said she can pull that off. It would be better if she got clean for good, but with her, mainly because she was adopted out of our family at birth and reunited about 7 years ago, we let a lot of stuff slide. At least I didn't offer to be a reference.
Speaking of my late cousin Evan, his wife Jen lost her grandmother the day after Christmas. Smack in the face. I'm Facebook friends with both Jen and her mom. (It was her mom's mom).
Then there's all this about being so much death in 2016, that what if Betty White dies?  In fact, so manny ppl are so adamant about how Betty White better not die that I just hope Betty White isn't secretly somewhere on life support, waiting for the clock to strike midnight to pull the plugs just because of all the Betty White better not die in 2016 memes. Who wants to turn on their tv on New Year's Day to "Betty White died peacefully today surrounded by blah blah" and then have everyone crap all over 2017?  Let her either die before New Years or in 2018, 2019, 2024 for all I care!
I just want 2017 to be a better year, with or without Betty White.

Monday, December 26, 2016

"Welcome to motherhood"

I found out that last month, a former coworker and good friend of mine lost her mom unexpectedly. About five days later, she gave birth to her first child, a boy. In the comments, some people were telling her "welcome to motherhood". I'm not sure that's an appropriate comment for someone who just lost her own mom. "Congratulations, he's beautiful " sufficient for me. It must be a time of whirlwind emotions for her right now. I messaged those closer to her to keep a closer eye on her and reach out if she needs it.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Facing fears for your child's sake

I took Tiger to the emergency veterinary yesterday, Christmas Eve morning. Since she had been missing for over two weeks and was assumed dead being an indoor cat, I had to get her looked over. I'll be honest with you I was scared to death to take her in to get checked out. I thought they would charge me with animal cruelty. That's the former child abuse worker shadow coming out in me. But in reality, the vet was the nicest guy in the world. I was so tempted to just sneak into a shelter somewhere and be like hey I found this cat and idk who she belongs to, because I had already broken it to Annalise that she was most likely dead. But that would not just be a little white lie, and it would have been too huge a lie between me and my daughter so I faced my irrational fears and did the right thing and told the truth the whole way along.
My cousin the shrink said, "yeah cats sneak off and vets know that."  I said, "Toddlers sneak off too, and CPs is not so understanding."  She said toddlers are supposed to be better supervised. Touché.
Tiger is fine all in all, and she got a deworming. She lost a lot of weight and only weighs 7 lbs now. She is eating and pooping a lot. My mom gave me a gas station gift card for Xmas, but I used some of it on baking soda for the litter box, because damn.

Houston turns into Rio

So, that happened. I had no idea you had to fill out forms to feed the homeless. I'm not in compliance,  then. Since I work out of my car while doing postmates and Uber eats, I pack a lot of non perishable snacks and hand them to homeless people often. The snacks are for me, too,  I mean I can't always go through drive ups.

I forgot that the Super Bowl will be here this year. That will be good for business, but like this article says, we seem to be going in the direction Rio went in in their treatment of homeless and at risk population due to both the Olympic Games and the soccer thing. (Oh yeah, it was called the World Cup).

I make a lot of deliveries to elite high rise condos that house rich people who tip me well. 15 years ago, when I was apartment hunting here, some of these same buildings were the projects. Some of the rents in those buildings in 2002 were $400 a month and considered the ghetto. Now they are renovated with concierges and maids and all sorts of amenities. Gentrification abounds here. I didn't have to learn about it in a textbook.

I don't know what the answer is. I'm looking forward to making good money when tourists come here for the super bowl, but I'm not in favor of displacing anyone either. Does this make me half capitalist, half socialist?

Friday, December 23, 2016

Annalise's Christmas miracle

I'm For those of you that don't know, Annalise's kitty Tiger ran off for over two weeks. Since she has been an indoor cat her whole four years of life, we thought she was gone for good. Today I came home from my parents, and she was back!!!  She was hesitant to come up to me at first, but I approached her slowly. She is now back inside. She'll never be let on the balcony again!  That was one of our family's favorite pastimes, to just chill on the balcony. I thought both cats knew not to jump down, but Tiger proved me wrong. Annalise is on her way over now with her dad to be surprised with her Christmas prayer answered.  Emergency vet appt tomorrow at 8 am.
Update:  Annalise was literally sobbing with happiness when she saw Tiger.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Sadness in the world

Postmates was asking people to walk around certain places to hang door hangers as a marketing effort and paying pretty good for it, too. I took them up on it quickly and went to one neighborhood on the list a couple weeks ago. As I was walking from one group of condos to another, I passed by the Chinese consulate. A Chinese woman handed me a flyer. I said thank you without even looking at it and in return handed her a postmates advertisement. As I walked to the next group of condos, I read her pamphlet-it was an advocacy effort to stop people from going into the poorest parts of China and killing the people in order to harvest their organs. I did some research and found out that this is really going on. For years, I have wondered if international orphans without adequate records were really orphans, or were they kidnapped for financial gain. Now I wonder if some were children of these people. Only God knows. We live in a mad world.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Ibotta Facebook drama

Theres a huge bonus in the ibotta app- if you redeem 80 grocery rebates in the month of December, you earn a $20 bonus. The app does not tell you how many rebates you have earned towards that bonus. It only tells you your percentage of the way there. So, a lady in the Facebook group was confused. She couldn't tell how many more rebates she needed to get the $20 bonus. The app was only telling her she was 60% of the way there. Now, I learned that in probably 4th grade. Take 80, multiply it by .6 and you get 48. That means she's already redeemed 48 grocery rebates. She needs to redeem 32 more.

It's frustrating. To be good at this, you need to know basic math.

Also, there was an error bonus that I missed. Apparently, it said you will receive a $10 bonus if you redeem 3 grocery rebates. Rule of thumb: if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. If it takes 80 rebates to redeem $20 bonus, then 3 rebates for a $10 bonus must be an error. Ibotta retracted it the next day, but there was a social media firestorm. Ladies needed to seriously calm down.

I've not been shopping. I have a lot of things.  There's not a chance I'm getting the $20 bonus.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

I see myself

in a weird way, this young woman reminds me of myself.

Why do religions kill?

Monday, December 12, 2016

New Car Hassles

It has been tough learning to drive this Acura.  Ever since I started driving as a teenager, this thing pictured above has always been a straight line.  I'm not used to all this slide to the left, slide to the right stuff.  And, there's 5 versions of D.  I had to make some calls to make sure which D to use, because some of the D's also slide to the left and slide to the right.

There is a horrible tint job on the rear window that makes it very hard to see out the back window.  My neighbor told me to use a blowdryer and slowly pull it off.  Because of the annoying tint, one of my friends calls the car my "air force one".  I'm at my parents' now, since I don't own a blow dryer.

Last month, I paid for 6 months of car insurance.  But, they would not insure this car, because it had once been rear ended.  I found new insurance and canceled the old policy.  The old insurance issued my bank a refund for the 5 remaining months, but the bank is holding it for 7-10 days.  Merry Christmas!

This car is also big, and it's an acquired skill to make turns in bigger cars.

The good news is the car runs great and has no major issues.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Helen Original

We were talking about how 2017 is going to be a better year. My mom said, "You'll be 39. That's a great age."  I sadly said that's the age Amelia Earhart was when she died. My mom said, "well that was her own damn fault."

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Worst nightmare

I worked at the children's museum of Houston from 2006-2012.  Last month, a child was molested
When I worked there, there were such good security measures in place. Every adult had their driver's license scanned. There were guards at all doors. What happened?  Tell me this isn't true

Old car

I get so attached to cars, and it's so hard to let them go. But mine had 3 leaks, a horrible paint job, two   Non working doors, all the ceiling fabric pulled off and random dings. The cash for junk cars place gave me $71 for it. My mechanic had a fit man.  He told me to call this place, call that place, etc to try to get more. But I was so tired, I wasn't about to haggle with anyone. I know the car was a piece of crap. My new one is a white Honda accura. Feels so good to finally be off my feet after a few days

Monday, December 5, 2016


The joys of having aging parents. You have to keep up with their lies, because they don't remember what they were.

Friday, December 2, 2016

No abandon

"God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us."  1:25-1:39

Loosing salvation

I was never taught that you could loose your salvation. There were mind games when I was growing up. They'd tell you you were "never really saved in the first place " but that you can't "lose" it. I never thought before now how someone must feel if they believe they've lost theirs.

I would post a picture of Job from the Bible,
But how on earth can you post pics on the blogger app?  Ugh

I can imagine that believing you lost your salvation feels a lot like Job's despair.  The difference is isnthat Job never abandoned God. He said, "The Lord
Givers and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

And in the end, Job was blessed again multiple times over. But for someone who feels they've "lost" their salvation, is there even that kind of hope left?  It all seems so dark and hellish. How do you convince someone that God will never abandon them?

New (to me) car

wish I could post pics, but iOS 10 makes it near impossible. I'm buying a new car from my mechanic. My old black toyota is slowly dying. I'm going to offer to give it to my mechanic, but honestly I don't think he can afford to fix it up enough to sell.  The paint job is horrible and a ton of things are leaking. It has structural damage. The ceiling fabric is all torn off. I get attached to cars, so this is hard. The "cash for junk car" place offered me $81. Ha!  The new one is a white Honda Civic with a rebuilt transmission .  Much better paint,  no leaks. He has the whole history of what was done to it. I'm just just waiting on my mom now to take me there. I need stuff out of the car and I need to wait for the junk people. My mechanic has a lot of customers that can't afford to get their cars out of the shop, -'d that all falls on him, which is why I think he can't fix my Toyota enough to sell. I think the paint job alone would be almost $500. Here's to better days.