Monday, March 28, 2016
I'm going about my life and marinating on this fancy wordpress blog I want that will highlight all sorts of children's issues. I'm wondering what to put on there. My friend Dayna said she'd do a guest post for me. I may also ask my friend Veronika. Veronika said to let her know when I get it set up, so she can mention it on her high-traffic blog.
Of course, the first thing that comes to mind when blogging child advocacy is the massive CPS reform efforts here in my own home state of Texas. I follow Texans Care and TexProtects on facebook, and they do a great job of posting all the latest articles on it. The latest is that the courts denied CPS's appeals. But the main focus is just throwing more money at CPS and reducing caseloads. They are missing the point somehow. I think Governor Abbott's intentions were right when he wanted a total reconstitution of CPS- the whole system is fundamentally flawed. But because of so much red tape, the effort has been reduced to this list of small things to rule for or against. It won't create real change, and I can't just jump on the bandwagon of everything those organizations in Austin say, just because they have clout (or do they?)
Every time the lawsuit and the reform efforts at the Capitol are brought up, I want to comment no, no, no, here's why that won't work. But I don't. And if I can't do it on social media, I won't be able to do it on a blog.
Therefore, I need other ideas on what children's issues to blog about. I think I need to put child welfare in general behind me.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
My recent trip to Arizona to see these three beauties is weighing on me like you wouldn't believe. I'm sinking back into a bad depression again, but I feel like I'm handling it ok.
18 years ago, when I first felt called to spend my life advocating for children, it was right after the end of a relationship. The grief for the family I thought I'd never had springboarded me into receiving that calling.
Over the years, the fact that I had a child anyway didn't stop me from working towards this goal. It was a paradox. I started on this path because I thought is never have a family. But having a child didn't stop me
I realize now, after my year long hiatus from anything having to do with advocating for children, that it was meant to be to go through the end of another relationship to get me back on board. No longer is it a hypothetical family that I am loosing. It's a real, tangible family that I lost, a family with no wife/mother, a family that I longed for. A man that treated me like a queen and two little kids that always wanted to hold my hand and hug me.
Annalise is the light of my world, but I did want more children. I did want a happy marriage.
Things are more complicated now than they were 18 years ago. I'm no longer a 19 year old idealist with rose colored glasses. I have tragic and joyful experience that has changed me for the better and worse. I'm a mother. I'm older. I understand much darker sides of life and more beautiful sides of life.
I understand that it had to be more than a hypothetical loss to get me back onto the path where I need to be. It had to take a real loss. The real loss being those three pictured here.
Friday, March 18, 2016
When I was in Arizona, my friend took me to the top of South Mountain for some alone time. I meditated and prayed. I asked, is it still my calling in life to be an advocate for children? "The answer is yes" came as clear as day. When I met back up with my friend, his children each gave me rocks. It was a good sign.
My friend is raising his two kids alone. They have not seen their mother in two years. I fell in love with all three of them, and it was hard to say goodbye. I miss him and his kids. I'm back in counseling to deal with these emotions.
I think it was meant to be this way. I started out on this calling when I was young with the end of a relationship, and I believe, as sad as it makes me, that another relationship end had to happen to make me realize why I was called to spend my life helping children in the first place.
It's a complicated correlation.
I'm not quitting either of my jobs and diving into it with two feet like I did when I was a 19 year old wide eyed idealist. I'm going to start by blogging and attending advocacy events in Austin. I'm going to purchase a wordpress private domain blog for children's issues when my tax refund comes, but until then, I am just going to write posts that come to me on this blog.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
I am currently on vacation in Phoenix, AZ having a weekend with an old male friend from high school. This is a video I took of the plane taking off from Houston. I thought I would get a better view from take off- the last time I took off from Hobby Airport, I could see all the prominent buildings. This time, it must have been a different run way.
I am still working 7 days a week with the elderly in their homes. I am still also doing postmates. My dad had more problems with the same foot the toe amputation, and it was up to me to get him to the podiatrist, because my mom was insisting it was because of "barometric pressure". And yelling at him.
He's alright, though.
I have not made any more Tourette's awareness videos, because as soon as I saw the new neurologist, she put me on Topamax which was a death sentence. It worked like a charm, but I was always sleepy. I even ran off the road and hit a guardrail. Also some suicidal thoughts, but I didn't say anything because I wasn't about to end up in the hospital and miss my trip to Arizona.
I saw her again on 2/29, and as soon as I told her about hitting the guardrail, she told me to stop cold turkey. You are only at risk for a seizure from stopping cold turkey if you take it for an actual seizure disorder.
Tourettes is treated with seizure medication in general.
She gave me another med that is not supposed to make you sleepy, but told me it was ok to start it after I got back to Houston.
The good news is that Topamax made me loose 14 lbs.
This trip to Arizona is much needed. Today, we are going to go to the top of one of my favorite mountain. You can drive up a winding road to a park that overlooks the whole city. I used to love to go up there. Today, he's taking me up there and leaving me a while for some alone time so I can meditate and get some answers. In just a couple weeks, it will be one year since I left my job as a CPS caseworker and 17 years of working with kids at risk in general. I need answers about whether or not to go back into it. Is it still my calling? Regardless, I am always going to do postmates and even sign on with some of their competitors. The book writing is not going well at all.