Wednesday, November 25, 2015

They're still mad!

I ended.the relationship with my online boyfriend quite a few days ago, and some people in my life just won't let it go
There was a video of a man who lost his wife in the Paris terror attacks and a video of him talking about not hating the terrorists went viral. I merely said, "he's a good looking guy.". My mom said very sarcastically, " what, are you going to Paris to hook up with him?"
Omg!  What a terrible thing to say. Does she really think I'm that evil?  I'm trying to let it go. 

Sunday, November 22, 2015


Lots of things are going better.  My dad is a lot better.  He is a lot happier since his toe amputation, and it's not just because of the pain pills like I originally thought. I think that he's really not having any more pain even without the pills.  You can't even tell he lost a toe, because the other ones pushed together and there's no space. 
My upper respiratory infection is totally gone and all liver function tests came back normal, so I no longer let my mind go to the words "liver cancer". 
I took a part time job caring for elderly in their homes.   I am still doing postmates as well and the ultimate goal is to find a balance between both.  Postmates is good money but not steady.  With both, I have the blessing of getting a big check every two weeks and several small deposits daily. 
Annalise wants to do chores for money, and boy is that nice!  She is very eager and takes a load off of me. 
My  friend and her husband and 8 kids found a nice house to rent and move into on December 1.  It has three bedrooms and is on 5 acres.  I'm kind of jealous!  But happy, since I felt powerless to help her. 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Beautiful Mind- edited to add

In this video, you'll see a man playing the piano and singing a beautiful song.  This man and I met online and had a brief online relationship.  We talked on the phone for hours on end at night every night.  One of the most amazing things that he did for me was walk me through the forgiveness process for a number of people in my past.  He had amazing insight about a lot of things.  The day after this conversation happened, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted.  I think I was falling in love.  We made plans to meet at a summer gathering he frequents.
Then, I started telling people about him.  The three closest people to me in the world- my mother and my two cousins- all told me that the relationship was dangerous because we met online.  One of my cousins and my mom stated they got a "bad vibe" from his picture.  All three of them harshly warned me not to ever meet him or even associate with him.  They said if I got into a relationship, it would be bad for Annalise.  Then they all said they didn't want me to get hurt.
Mind you, none of them knew him whatsoever.  They were basing their hunches on one picture and the words "met online."
He didn't hurt me, but all three of them did by telling me he would hurt me.  I ended the relationship the next morning, but did not tell him about my family.  I simply said it was not good for me to move too fast.
I am angry at my family, and I am feeling isolated because I don't want to talk to any of them.  That anger and unforgiveness is back.
What I really don't think is fair is that my ex-husband and his current wife met online, and no one ever told him these things.  No one told him it would be bad for our daughter, or dangerous.  His wife is cross-eyed, and no one told him that she "just didn't look right".  I don't mean to be mean, but I am angry and resentful.  My ex-husband also met quite a few other women online and dated them in between me and his current wife.  I think it's a double standard.  Single moms/women are shamed for dating, but men/single dads get a free pass.
A lot of people meet online and hit it off.  It is so common these days.  In fact, what other way is there to meet people anymore?  The bar?  I don't think so.
I have not felt like myself since this happened.  I didn't expect someone to come into my life like this.  It really did happen when I least expected it.  I used to think that maybe the pressure not to be in a relationship or get married was due to my young age, but now I am 37.  I must face that it will always be considered wrong to be with someone.  Not that I'd even want to after getting a taste of the real thing.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

I'm a Wayseer

I have been talking to this guy online and on the phone.  After a two hour phone conversation last night, he sent me the link to this video.  I reminded him of a "wayseer".  I absolutely love this video and watched it over ten times.  And, it feels very refreshing to connect with a member of the opposite sex in a way I don't think I ever have. 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Update on Dad

Dad had his toe successfully amputated on Thursday and came home Friday. They did not give him general anesthesia during the surgery. They just put him half-out. I went to see him afterwards, and he seemed like he was on cloud nine. He was ecstatic after the surgery. I wonder what he was on!  He remained in this state the next day. I stayed with him Saturday while my mom went to work. He was massively exaggerating the pain while my mom was there, but as soon as she left, he was completely fine. Diabetes is automatically scary for me. I could get it, because he has it. He is 73 and has had it for about 33 years. I remember when he was diagnosed. I was about 3 or 4 and thought he would die. I thought that's what "die"abeted meant. I'm going to go back today to sit with him while mom itls at work, and tomorrow, I think he will be fine on his own.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


I made a decision yesterday that was kind of hard. I donated my suits to an organization that helps needy women who need them for job interviews. I wore these suits whenever I testified in court as a child advocate and then a cps worker. This is a closed chapter of my life. If I ever need a suit again, I'm going to save up for a custom one with a jacket, pants and skirt to match. Or, I'll see a seamstress. I just didn't like looking at them in my closet and being reminded of 17 years of my life that broke my soul.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Paramedic vs Nurse

I always felt bad for nurses whenever I heard how paramedics can't stand them.  I had a friend become a paramedic, and he jumped on the hating nurses bandwagon right away.  But with my dad in the hospital, I had to come home and look up this video again.  He insisted the nurses were trying to kill him.  I thought he was just out of it until one came in and the amount of insulin he was getting for what his sugar levels were was all wrong.  He insisted to her what the right amount was and was like "Sorry".  Didn't care at all!  My dad was watching cops on the TV and she started commenting on what was going on in the episode.

My dad's endocrinologist had to come in that night and straighten it all out.  When my mom left the unit, she said she saw his endocrinologist at the nurses' station frantically writing orders.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Toe amputation

My father is in the late stages of diabetes. When you are in this stage, you tend to loose feeling in your feet. My father did not feel a toe injury, and it got infected. This week, he is having the toe amputated. He is in good spirits and will go to rehab afterwards. I am just a little upset that he won't sign a HIPPA form for me to talk to his doc/nurses. My parents need to keep me in the loop, because I am an only child and the only one they got as they age.